Videos | J.E.Moores

Andy’s Lard Quest

Andy’s Lard Quest Rules

The game opens to a menu of heads you can unlock by collecting chickens. The price of each head is under the head. You must play the Egg Man until you collect enough chickens to unlock the other heads. The other heads have different super powers that add to game play.

To play, click play. The interface is simple. Tap to make the character drop. You bounce your head through the platform levels avoiding enemies.

Collect chicken and cans of lard. If you collect 9 cans of lard in one session without dying, you will enter the most awesome Lard Wars level and battle giant kaiju cats for a whole lotta chicken. Once you crash and die, your lard count returns to zero and you return to the head menu with all the chickens you gathered.

Hot dogs make you invincible. When you eat a hot dog, you turn into an indestructible hamburger. You can smash anything. It feels really good too.

Society the cat tosses some very useful cat balls. When hit, cat balls kill all enemies in sight, but each cat ball you use cost 25 chickens. That’s a lot of chickens! Use cat balls sparingly or you could lose all your chickens.

Avoid everything else because it’s EVIL! If you touch it, it will kill you. Here’s a tip, if it shoots a pink laser beam at you, you must try to let the laser beam touch you. The laser beam powers you up and turns you into an indestructible fish bowl for 3 seconds, and you can beat the beast by smashing it to smithereens.

While you are playing, notice the can of lard in the top right corner. To its right you see a count of how many lard you have collected during your session. If you click the lard can it will bring you to the head menu if you want to unlock or switch to a different head to play.

At the bottom of the heads menu you will see Little Andy flipping out. Once you have enough chickens you can unlock the Bonus Level. Just click Little Andy to get there.

The goal is to unlock all 20+ heads and Little Andy’s bonus level.

About Andy’s Lard Quest

So I wanted to make a weird indie game from the strange stuff here at my house. First up is Andy, a duct tape voodoo doll my daughter made when she was just a wee one. Now a teen, I told her I was using Andy in my game, and she cringed. So far, so good.

There is Cosmo my dog, and Society my cat. There is a scary stick I found on the ground last summer. I thought it looked like a kaiju monster, so I glued googly eyes on his face and named him Xerxes. Now he’s flying around causing all kinds of mayhem in this game! There’s a floating rubber glove guy, a tons of ants, and rubber chickens are the currency you collect to unlock everything.

You start out as a fragile egg, and as you collect rubber chickens, you can trade them in for other fancy new heads that have all new super powers and moves.

Once you collect enough rubber chickens you can unlock the Bonus Level where the shrimp are running like mad! With 20+ different heads to unlock and play, and a bonus level to unlock, this insane game will have your friends wondering what the hell you’re doing. If they ask, just tell ’em you’re on a LARD QUEST!

Game music, To Town I Go by mopehead & Tony Iuppa from: Hauntscapes.com
Andy and other duct tape art by Malaya from: DesignCutie.com
Nature sounds from: Yellowstone National Park Sound Library
Cosmo the wonder dog courtesy of: TimeBrats.com

Affaire Des Poisons

Many of our fears of witchcraft come from the series of 1677-1682 investigations known as the Affair Des Poisons which focused on two notorious French Fortune Tellers, Catherine Monvoisin (La Voisin) and Marie Bosse (La Bosse). They sold love potions, good luck potions, and a hot little item referred to as inheritance potions, which was a very fancy name for poison. For a nominal fee La Bosse would sell these potions and powders, and instruct you how to use them. Wives could escape marriages, family members could inherit wealth, and lovers could remove rivals.

Woodcuts illustrating witches mixing potions, sacrificing babies, and consorting with devils were partly inspired by La Voisin and La Bosse’s 17th century crimes. La Voisin conducted Satanic black masses with the French aristocracy at her side including King Louis XIV’s favorite mistress, Madame de Montespan. Mme Montespan fearing that the king may soon tire of her, was willing to sell her soul to the devil, and poison her rivals, to keep her position.

After several poisonings and murders, the scandal made it to the court’s inner circle where the king feared for his life. Many deaths among the aristocracy were attributed to the secret sale of poisons. It led to a 5 year investigation and the systematic torture and execution of 36 people by burning at the stake.

La Voisin had been a midwife by trade. She secretly performed illegal abortions, and used the fetuses to conduct Satanic black masses for her wealthy clients. It was confessed by Madame Montespan that she paid La Voisin a great fee to conduct a black mass that involved a child sacrifice. During the investigation the remains of 2,500 infants were dug up in La Voisin’s garden. The horrific news spread across Europe.

The woodcuts that illustrated the news stories of the time created mass hysteria and fear of witches worldwide. I have always had a fascination with these old world depictions of witches. Because monsters and creatures are a feast for the imagination, I have made a video game based on 17th century woodcuts of witches, demons, devils, and imps. The game is oddly cute, while maintaining all the underlying horror of it all. It’s a strange trip, because you’re playing as the evil La Voisin herself, out on one of her terrible crime sprees!

The game starts out with La Voisin running around the countryside with Madame de Montespan. The two of you are collecting all the babies you can find, you know, for Satan. Babies make you feel indestructible, but only for a little while, so you need more, MORE Babies! You must avoid the angry mob of Bible thumpin’ church goers, and find your way to Marie Bosse’s Potion Shop. There you can trade your babies for different imps and familiars to do your evil bidding. Once you’ve paid Marie Bosse’s fee and unlocked the creature of your choice, you can play the game again with all new powers in the form of a flying demon, witch on a broomstick, sweet little pig, or a very handsome goat. It’s wicked good fun, and you’ll only go to hell a little bit for playing this game! Just a little. Like the thumb you tap with. It could be possible that your thumb might go to hell for playing this game.

Enjoy your evil rampage. You know you’ve earned it. The Affaire Des Poisons video game is available for free for Android on Google Play and in the iOS app store.

Marie Bosse

Trumpty Dumpty Wall

Make America Great Again! Help Trumpty Dumpty build a wall. New video game by J.E.Moores. It doesn’t matter if you are for or against this crazy wall that has shut our government down. Let this silly game relieve you of a little stress. Tap the screen and stack the bricks up high. If they topple off the base, you have to start over. I even bet you know the perfect person to share this with for a laugh.

Birdie Builds A Nest

Birdie Builds A Nest by J.E.Moores

Meet The Flanders

A reading from my book, Snotgrass.
Maine Humor by J.E.Moores.

I always wanted to write a humorous memoir about growing up in Maine during the late 60’s and early 70’s, and so I did with my first book, Snotgrass. This is a reading from the first chapter in that book called, Meet The Flanders.

I was born in 1964. It was a really crazy time in history. Maine seemed isolated from the violence of the civil rights movement, the assassination of JFK, and the sexual revolution. Maine seemed more like Norman Rockwell’s 1950’s. An idealized world where kids still walked to school all by themselves, and played outside with other kids unsupervised until dark. We didn’t have seat belts, the internet, iPhones, or YouTube, and we were just fine.

I was in love with comic books, MAD magazine, Sid and Marty Krofft’s Land of the Lost, Godzilla, Planet of the Apes, building tree forts, and writing and drawing our own comic strips during study hall ~ or we’d skip recess like total geeks and draw in the school’s library! I still love to draw comics.

My grandmother supported anything to do with reading and writing, so she often took me to the Rockland, Maine Greyhound Bus Station to browse comic books and the sci-fi fantasy horror magazines. I have put together a ton of family photos from that time, and have mashed it all together in the video above for your viewing entertainment. Thanks again, Jay ~

Time Brats at Camden Library

My reading of Snotgrass at the Camden Library was completely taken over by the Time Brats! What a hoot it was to make so much noise inside a library. We all took turns telling strange tales of mythical Maine beasts. The night turned into all of us sharing stories told to us by our grandparents and elders. I heard about several old Maine story tellers: Buckwheat Shed and Frisco Ireland, strange tall tales of bear hunting at the Houlton dump, and how to catch Bigfoot using peanut butter. We made up a new local monster and called it the Camden Crawler. Here the kids display the handmade Swamp Boggers I brought along. Thanks one and all for coming out on a rainy Maine evening!

Check out the Camden Time Brats in action:

Haunted Flanders Lane

I had one of those once in a lifetime experiences today. I got to read a couple chapters from my book Snotgrass at the Gibbs Library in Washington, Maine where the book is set. In the audience were several folk who knew me when I was just a wee one. It was amazing sharing these stories with the people who knew my elders, know the setting, and were there to celebrate their small town along with me. They asked if I was going to show the Flanders Lane video, and I laughed because I hadn’t realized how many of them had seen that little short movie. Here’s the cast from Snotgrass in a Halloween short haunted house video we all made years ago.