Andy’s Lard Quest

ANDY'S LARD QUEST

Andy’s Lard Quest Rules

The game opens to a menu of heads you can unlock by collecting chickens. The price of each head is under the head. You must play the Egg Man until you collect enough chickens to unlock the other heads. The other heads have different super powers that add to game play.

To play, click play. The interface is simple. Tap to make the character drop. You bounce your head through the platform levels avoiding enemies.

Collect chicken and cans of lard. If you collect 9 cans of lard in one session without dying, you will enter the most awesome Lard Wars level and battle giant kaiju cats for a whole lotta chicken. Once you crash and die, your lard count returns to zero and you return to the head menu with all the chickens you gathered.

Hot dogs make you invincible. When you eat a hot dog, you turn into an indestructible hamburger. You can smash anything. It feels really good too.

Society the cat tosses some very useful cat balls. When hit, cat balls kill all enemies in sight, but each cat ball you use cost 25 chickens. That’s a lot of chickens! Use cat balls sparingly or you could lose all your chickens.

Avoid everything else because it’s EVIL! If you touch it, it will kill you. Here’s a tip, if it shoots a pink laser beam at you, you must try to let the laser beam touch you. The laser beam powers you up and turns you into an indestructible fish bowl for 3 seconds, and you can beat the beast by smashing it to smithereens.

While you are playing, notice the can of lard in the top right corner. To its right you see a count of how many lard you have collected during your session. If you click the lard can it will bring you to the head menu if you want to unlock or switch to a different head to play.

At the bottom of the heads menu you will see Little Andy flipping out. Once you have enough chickens you can unlock the Bonus Level. Just click Little Andy to get there.

The goal is to unlock all 20+ heads and Little Andy’s bonus level.

About Andy’s Lard Quest

So I wanted to make a weird indie iOS game from the strange stuff here at my house. First up is Andy, a duct tape voodoo doll my daughter made when she was just a wee one. Now a teen, I told her I was using Andy in my game, and she cringed. So far, so good.

There is Cosmo my dog, and Society my cat. There is a scary stick I found on the ground last summer. I thought it looked like a kaiju monster, so I glued googly eyes on his face and named him Xerxes. Now he’s flying around causing all kinds of mayhem in this game! There’s a floating rubber glove guy, a tons of ants, and rubber chickens are the currency you collect to unlock everything.

You start out as a fragile egg, and as you collect rubber chickens, you can trade them in for other fancy new heads that have all new super powers and moves.

Once you collect enough rubber chickens you can unlock the Bonus Level where the shrimp are running like mad! With 20+ different heads to unlock and play, and a bonus level to unlock, this insane game will have your friends wondering what the hell you’re doing. If they ask, just tell ’em you’re on a LARD QUEST!

Game music, To Town I Go by mopehead & Tony Iuppa from: Hauntscapes.com
Andy and other duct tape art by Malaya from: DesignCutie.com
Nature sounds from: Yellowstone National Park Sound Library
Cosmo the wonder dog courtesy of: TimeBrats.com

Wall Problems

Trumpty Dumpty WallThe President and I are having trouble getting our wall built. The team at iOS rejected my Trumpty Dumpty Wall video game for being offensive. The game has no nudity, profanity, or obscenity, but without a doubt, it is a type of political cartoon.

I think they are confusing their frustration with the border wall issue with the appropriateness of my game. We are all frustrated at the government shut down and the impasse the border wall issue has caused. They are afraid some of their users would be offended by the game’s content, but there is absolutely nothing offensive to be found in the game. It’s Humpty Dumpty building a wall. Whoever stacks bricks the highest wins. It’s a game for little kids. It’s not offensive. It might be obnoxious, ridiculous, silly, or downright stupid, but it’s not doing anything against terms of service, so the offensiveness is subjective and individual.

In defense, my game does not take a side on the border wall matter. I think it’s best to let the audience decide on their own. If you are for the wall, you can help build it. If you are not for the wall, you can laugh at how funny the game is. My game has a wider audience by not taking a side. By not taking a side, it cannot offend any specific group. If it is offensive, at least it is equally offensive to everyone.

I love that American citizens can poke fun at their leaders. Humor helps to ease the pressure, and gets the conversation going again. The game is intended to create a dialogue. It is confrontational (like art), but it is not offensive (like porn). An even odder factoid on this matter, the game did not get rejected first time through. Trumpty Dumpty Wall version 1.0 was approved, so I am confused at version 1.1 being rejected on content. I only added a prompt to invite gamers to rate my app, which changes nothing visually in the game, so it’s the same game in every way that has already been approved once.

I believe the rejection was individual and subjective. I really can’t think of a single term of service that I’ve broken. It’s like I followed all the rules, but they just don’t like my art’s silly lighthearted message.

Adventure Garuda

Garuda video game

Adventure Garuda game by J.E.Moores

I am awed and inspired by the fierceness of the Hindu Gods. The ancient temple paintings and posters are infinitely detailed and meditative. I get lost gazing in there, until I find myself thinking new and dangerous thoughts: I want to see these colorful characters animated. I was daydreaming, so I went further. I want to see all those arms waving, wings flappin’, and all of the Hindu Gods interacting with one another within the cosmos of a video game.

Once, many moons ago in Thailand my guide constantly drew attention to the architectural temple adornments that are representative of Garuda. He told us the pointy bits that peak out along the corners of the temple rooftops are the beaks of these large winged protectors. The Garuda are many, and stand guard over the temples.

Lord Vishnu rides Garuda. They have many adventures together, and are great friends. In this game, Lord Vishnu is looking for his sweet bride, Lakshmi. Together Lord Vishnu and Garuda will encounter Hanuman the Monkey King, Lord Ganesha, and a very grumpy Kali Ma. Please remember to feed Garuda often. Avoid all obstacles, unlock levels and new characters as you go.

I want to give credit to the amazing artists these game sprites are inspired by. The temple posters are spritual works of art, and animating their arms, wings, and weapons, has given me time to look at them even closer. Hopefully this will inspire some to learn the names of the Hindu Gods, and their multitude of stories.

Music provided by Free Music Archive. Thank you.
Raag by: Vinod Prasanna × Okey Szoke × Pompey

I have been making games for iOS only a few weeks now. This is the fifth simple arcade style game I have put together for your enjoyment. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

Adventure Garuda is now available for download at the iOS app store.

Garuda is way cool. I think you’ll love this one. It’s special, and I put hundreds of hours into making this simple little arcade game. The colors really are spicy. One can almost smell the curry, turmeric, and cardamom as they play. Tandoor anyone? Dang. Now I’m hungry.

Adventure Garuda game by J.E.Moores